Thursday, March 25, 2010

Time to Take A Long Hard Look in the Mirror

Did ya ever feel like your life is in a slump? Or worse, like it's spinning out of control and there's nothing you can do to right it? That's the general feeling I have these days.

At home, where all I manage to do is minimal laundry most weekends, vacuuming once a week, cooking occasionally, mostly on the weekends, and uhh, well that's about it. The cooking business I attribute to my work hours and the fact that my husband doesn't want to eat supper at 8:00 pm every night. He voluntarily cooks supper most week nights, which is great for me! Not so great for him tho, but he doesn't usually complain. AND when he cooks, he does his own dishes. Wait a minute. Why am I complaining??? Anyway, the only thing that keeps me motivated to do anything at all is Carterday. Thank God for that. and him :)

At work, it seems like I struggle every day to get anything accomplished. Some days I look at what I've done and realize I've managed to stretch a couple of hours worth of working into 10 hours. I can't keep that up forever, obviously.

Worst of all, I'm really neglecting myself. The 37.4 pounds I managed to lose in 20 weeks or so has now magically turned into something closer to 30 pounds. Don't know exactly, because I haven't been to a WW meeting in a month. I've stopped my food journal, stopped counting points, and started buying candy. It's like a switch went off in my head that said "ENOUGH! Give me what I want when I want it!!! NOW!!!" And being an obedient soul, I did just that. It's the same old story -- I always sabotage myself when I start seeing results, or more importantly, when others start noticing. Someone today was describing a mental illness called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Now I know that I don't have that, or anything that even remotely resembles that. I'm the exact opposite of defiant. Or am I? Greg would probably argue that, but no one else would. Anyway, one of the traits someone with ODD has is every time they start to see success in themselves, they quickly turn it around to failure, because the pressure to keep up the success or the fear of letting everyone around them down, is too great, and they tell themselves they can't do it anymore, so they might as well give up now. Hmm, that sounds a little familiar. Maybe I should read up on that a little.

I also need to work on taking my daily medications better. Some mornings I remember, some I forget, and others I don't care. And when my little weekly pill caddy is empty, God forbid I devote 5 minutes out of my busy TV-watching, nap-taking schedule to refill it. I've been known to go almost an entire week without meds just because I haven't refilled it. There really is no excuse for this behavior. I know I feel better when I'm on my meds. In fact, I've increased my Zoloft, thinking.. hoping.. that might help in the other areas. Time will tell.

For today, I've made one decision. I'm going to throw away the candy bars in my desk drawer and because it's too late for tonight's WW meeting and tomorrow's are during the work day, I'm going to the 9:00 meeting on Saturday morning. One of my favorite WW people, Janna, is the leader. I'm going to walk in and confess to her: "Hi, my name is Barb, and I've fallen off the wagon. Help me, please!"

1 comment:

  1. I see so much of me in what you are saying about yourself with the exception that I haven't had the gumption to join WW and lose 37.4 pounds! Maybe we should go to ODD therapy together! I hope that you can turn things around for yourself and if you do find the secret to getting your act together, please let me know. --Jillybean