Regrets

A good man died a week ago.  A man I knew because of my job.  I can't really call him a friend.  In fact, I'm not even sure he liked me.  I never really knew where I stood with him, unless he was disgusted with me, in which case he let it be known.  But the thing is, I can't fault him for that.  He had a job to do, and it was the most important thing in his life.  He was looking out for his daughter, because she's unable to look out for herself.  Plain an simple.  I tried using my humor and charm (ha) on him the first time I met him, and that went over like a lead balloon.  I was intimidated by this man, even though I tried my best not to be.  I think he liked that, not so much because he liked having power over me, but because he knew I would always think first about what was best for his daughter, thereby not having to face his wrath.  Can't fault him for that either.

When I learned of his illness almost two years ago, my heart hurt for him.  We all knew it was a death sentence.  I even spoke to him about his treatment and outlook a few times.  I expressed my sadness at the hand he'd been dealt.  After a year or so, he stopped coming by the office; his wife came instead.  I've enjoyed getting to know her.  Talk about polar opposites.  It's always hard to know what to say to someone going through a difficult time.  You can offer the usual; "you're in my thoughts" or I'm praying for you and your family" but somehow that doesn't always ring true for me.  His wife stopped coming by the office a few months ago, using the mail instead.  I considered sending a "thinking of you" card a time or two, but felt it might be unwelcome in his eyes.  I worried he would see it as an attempt to "suck up" for lack of a better term.  So I sent nothing. 

Yesterday, when I learned he had passed away, I felt an unexpectedly deep sense of sadness.  His obituary incuded a link to a Caring Bridge website his daughter started 4 months ago after he was moved to Hospice.  Her journal introduced me to a different man.  A husband, a father, a grandfather.  A man I regret not getting to know. 

If I learned anything from this experience, it is that when in doubt, say or do something.  Don't remain silent.  You may never get a 2nd chance.  Rest in Peace Art.

Are You Ready For Some FOOTBALL?!?!?!?!?!

I was searching for a new background for my blog when I  happened upon this little gem.  What could be more perfect, considering the Chiefs play their first preseason game one week from tonight!!!  Ahh football, I've missed you so.  That dang World Cup Soccer crap just don't cut it! 

In other news, Carterbug will be 18 months old on Sunday!  Can you believe it?  Where has the last year and a half gone!  I'm still watching him on Carterdays, and we're having all kinds of fun.  Well that is when he's with me.  Papa has begun kidnapping him for farm fun.  Hmp.  The other day they took the backhoe to go pick up a bale of hay.  Down the road.  Away from me.  Hmp.  He's also been showing him how to run the hoe.  And letting him do it himself.  Check out these videos!


Backhoe lessons start early



Getting the hang of things

Don't think Greg isn't loving this!!

As an early birthday present, my friend Amy took me to see one of my favorite bands, Hinder, in Kansas City this week.  We had an awesome time!  I love seeing bands play live, but concerts are usually so danged expensive.  Luckily this one was very affordable.  Thanks Amy!!!

One last picture of Carter before I quit.  This was from Wednesday morning, when he was supposed to be eating his Cheerios.  Only he fed them all to Hoss. 

What do you mean you burned my toast?????

Cutting edge! who? Me???

attempting my 1st blog post directly from the backflip. Since I have little faith in technology these days I think I'll make it short. It's been a busy summer full of Carterdays - just the way I like it! Looking forward to going to KC tomorrow night with BFF Amy and her girls to see Hinder. Hope it's awesome!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.9

Inside My Head

Something's been pulling me towards this blog for the last few days -- feeling like I HAVE to update. Tried to a couple of times, but ran out of time and/or patience with my computer at home.

Things on my mind today:

My BFF Sandy. She is having surgery this afternoon, and there is a chance the outcome could be bad news. But I have decided the outcome will NOT be bad news. She will be fine. I won't allow anything else. Hear that God??

My fingernails. (hey, I didn't say they were all important things) My nails grow pretty well, but they're brittle and they crack and break easily. And polish will not stay on them for more than a day, if that. I polished them this morning, decided I didn't like the color, removed the polish and started over. I put on a "length and strength" coat first -- hoping that helps. Then applied a coat of color, followed by a top coat and "sealing and shine" coat. All's well for now.

My Mom. She had surgery last week to remove her gall bladder, and it went amazingly well. She was able to go home the same day, and is getting along pretty well. But when I stopped by for a few minutes yesterday her house was so hot you could grow tomatoes in it. She keeps her AC on Energy Save (also known as the"I WAS RAISED IN THE DEPRESSION SO I WORRY ABOUT WASTING MONEY ON SILLY THINGS LIKE AIR CONDITIONING" setting. It does run some, but not nearly enough. Put that together with not even running the ceiling fan, and you're living in a pressure cooker. I don't know how she stands it, but she told me she felt fine. Does your internal temp go all haywire when you hit 85? Seems like they keep nursing homes pretty warm, so maybe there's something to that. Other than that, she just seems to be running out of steam. She's in pain all the time, and is just worn out.

My niece. Her grandma Nancy is dying from cancer, and likely will not be here for her wedding in July. I know Nancy was trying to hold on till then, since this is her first grandchild to be married, but it just doesn't look like she's going to. I wish the family didn't have to go though this sad time, but I guess this is life. Sometimes life sucks.

Work. As in I better get back to it.

Time to Take A Long Hard Look in the Mirror

Did ya ever feel like your life is in a slump? Or worse, like it's spinning out of control and there's nothing you can do to right it? That's the general feeling I have these days.

At home, where all I manage to do is minimal laundry most weekends, vacuuming once a week, cooking occasionally, mostly on the weekends, and uhh, well that's about it. The cooking business I attribute to my work hours and the fact that my husband doesn't want to eat supper at 8:00 pm every night. He voluntarily cooks supper most week nights, which is great for me! Not so great for him tho, but he doesn't usually complain. AND when he cooks, he does his own dishes. Wait a minute. Why am I complaining??? Anyway, the only thing that keeps me motivated to do anything at all is Carterday. Thank God for that. and him :)

At work, it seems like I struggle every day to get anything accomplished. Some days I look at what I've done and realize I've managed to stretch a couple of hours worth of working into 10 hours. I can't keep that up forever, obviously.

Worst of all, I'm really neglecting myself. The 37.4 pounds I managed to lose in 20 weeks or so has now magically turned into something closer to 30 pounds. Don't know exactly, because I haven't been to a WW meeting in a month. I've stopped my food journal, stopped counting points, and started buying candy. It's like a switch went off in my head that said "ENOUGH! Give me what I want when I want it!!! NOW!!!" And being an obedient soul, I did just that. It's the same old story -- I always sabotage myself when I start seeing results, or more importantly, when others start noticing. Someone today was describing a mental illness called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Now I know that I don't have that, or anything that even remotely resembles that. I'm the exact opposite of defiant. Or am I? Greg would probably argue that, but no one else would. Anyway, one of the traits someone with ODD has is every time they start to see success in themselves, they quickly turn it around to failure, because the pressure to keep up the success or the fear of letting everyone around them down, is too great, and they tell themselves they can't do it anymore, so they might as well give up now. Hmm, that sounds a little familiar. Maybe I should read up on that a little.

I also need to work on taking my daily medications better. Some mornings I remember, some I forget, and others I don't care. And when my little weekly pill caddy is empty, God forbid I devote 5 minutes out of my busy TV-watching, nap-taking schedule to refill it. I've been known to go almost an entire week without meds just because I haven't refilled it. There really is no excuse for this behavior. I know I feel better when I'm on my meds. In fact, I've increased my Zoloft, thinking.. hoping.. that might help in the other areas. Time will tell.

For today, I've made one decision. I'm going to throw away the candy bars in my desk drawer and because it's too late for tonight's WW meeting and tomorrow's are during the work day, I'm going to the 9:00 meeting on Saturday morning. One of my favorite WW people, Janna, is the leader. I'm going to walk in and confess to her: "Hi, my name is Barb, and I've fallen off the wagon. Help me, please!"

Princess Erin

Anyone who knows me knows I would do anything for my wonderful daughter, but it's not often that I get a chance to surprise her with something. Mostly because I can't keep my mouth shut long enough, but also because we're together so much and we know what the other person is doing most of the time. So when she told me George Strait and Reba McIntire were coming to the Sprint Center, I thought maybe the opportunity had presented itself. She first mentioned something last fall, jokingly hinting to me on facebook that tickets would make a great Christmas gift. One problem - they weren't on sale yet. Then SOMEHOW her friend and cubemate Howard comes back to work after Christmas with tickets to the concert. Thanks alot Howard. Way to put the pressure on!!! I started checking the Sprint Center website weekly, checking for the sale date, and with the concert steadily approaching, nothing had been announced. Including ticket prices. I had no idea if I was even going to be able to afford 2 tickets at this point. I'd been hearing that tickets had been selling out in less than an hour at other sites, so I joined the loyal listeners clubs for all the country radio stations in Kansas City, and signed up for emails from the Sprint Center in hopes of getting in on a presale. Long story short, I got an email from the Sprint Center 2 days before the official sale date with a code word to order a day early. Score! I got on the computer early that day and made sure all of my information in Ticketmaster was up to date so when the time came, there wouldn't be any hiccups. At 10:00 on the dot I clicked on the "order tickets" button, and 30 seconds later, I was the proud owner of 2 excellent seats for the concert of the year!!!

Now the hard part -- not telling Erin about it until I had the actual tickets in my hand. I had to listen to her talk about trying to win tickets on the radio stations everyday, which I guess wouldn't have been that big of a deal - she could always find someone else to give them too, but it would have taken away from the excitement I expected when she found out I bought them.

I bought the tickets on Feb. 25, and they didn't arrive in my mail box until March 13. That's 16 days for those of you who can't count. 16 days that I had to keep my mouth shut. I couldn't even tell Brent cuz he never would have been able to keep it to himself! In the mean time, about a week before they came in the mail, we got a new substitute mail carrier who can't tell the difference between Bryson, Stromgren and White. I just knew he'd deliver them to one of the neighbors, and when they saw what they were, they'd keep them. So yeah, I was freaking out just a little until they finally arrived in my mail box last Saturday. I couldn't wait any longer - I had to give them to her that day.

She was genuinely surprised when she found the tickets taped to an article about George and Reba in a country music magazine. Seeing the excitement in her face, and receiving the biggest hug I think I've ever gotten made all the planning and worrying worth it! Nothing makes me happier than seeing my little girl happy. Does that make her spoiled, like some people think? Maybe, but if it does, then I guess I'm a little spoiled too! Love you sweetie!!!!!

Independence

The time has come for Barb to join the 21st Century, in regards to cell phones, that is. I only recently started texting, and have tried to keep it to a minimum since our family plan (which Greg pays for) doesn't have a texting package. Every month he complains about having to pay a little extra for my texts, but it's usually less than $5. I've suggested adding a plan, which would save him money, but instead, he insists that I stop texting. This has gone on now for months, and I'm tired of it. In reality, this is just his way of controlling me, and I really tired of that.

So today, Erin and I are going to Best Buy, she's adding another line to her family plan, and I'm getting a Motorola Backflip! I've never had a smart phone, so this should be interesting. I've been going back and forth between the Backflip and the Karma, which is what Erin and Brent have. It's not a smart phone, but it does have a keyboard which makes texting easier, and you can access the internet on it. I was inclined to go that way at first, but this morning one of my coworkers showed me his new Droid phone (which is what the Backflip is) and it sealed the deal. These phones are awesome! Once Steve told me you can watch television on it -- there was no going back!!! So by 4:00 this afternoon, I'll be texting, facebooking and twittering my little heart out, and there's nothing GB can do about it. Take that mr smarty pants!!!!!